What an amazing man, what a handsome fellow, what a smile... A smile that brightened all of my days, no matter how dim and desperate situations appeared. It instilled comfort, and it was the best medicine for any ailment. I will never forget the moments where we would burst into laughter, usually over little things. You know, the little things that spring up during the course of a relationship and that are only understood and special to the two of you. I treasured these moments, as they would fill my heart with warmth as well as with a modest feeling of pride and inner satisfaction that I somehow, unintentionally, managed to trigger the right spots that would make Tyler laugh out loud. Many things were out of my control, but knowing that I made him happy in these moments, making us forget about the worries and uncertainties that were with us at all times, meant the world to me.
I miss that smile, and I miss that wonderful sound of his laughter.
These pictures were taken exactly one year ago. Looking at them, who would have ever thought that Tyler wouldn’t be with us today. It was his 30th birthday and in true Tyler fashion he rose above his disease to celebrate it with the due activities. (I was tempted to use the word “due respect”, but “activities” is clearly a better word to be used together with Tyler in the same sentence ;).
I had offered to organize the day, but he wouldn’t have any of that. He had a plan, and what a plan it was. He just told me to pack for any occasion- I had to chuckle, as I was very familiar with this expression of his. And I knew, that he wasn’t just making empty promises, but that he would fully come through on them. Many of you know the story, so I will only provide a summary of the events of that day:
When I stepped out of the apartment, there was a gorgeous Porsche waiting for me and in it was this handsome young man, wearing a baby-blue collared shirt and sexy jeans. He knew how much I liked baby blue one him… The dark hair, the green eyes- a perfect contrast against the light blue. He was such a considered husband and so very loving. Again, it’s the little things…
It turned out that Tyler had rented the Porsche for that day- fulfilling one of his dreams. The first stop was the Wildlife station in Irvine, where they take care of exotic animals that have been found, rescued, or taken away from their owners. The fun part of this tour was not so much to look at the various animals (clearly, the L.A. zoo has a leg up), but more to hear about the stories behind it. I think my favorite story came with the 4-foot lizard. Apparently, it had been the house pet of a lady, who treated this reptile like a dog. It was even allowed to sleep in the bed with her. When she was faced with financial hardship, she decided to apply for a roommate. And guess what, surprisingly, the roommate was not sharing any of her warm feelings for this cold-blooded animal. Frankly, a gecko is cute. A free-roaming 4-foot lizard? Not so much. The police ended up taking the lizard away. And there were more of these stories of similar nature. It was just a great idea and these memories will stay with me forever.
After the Wildlife habitat we were off to Universal Studios to go “sky-diving” in the glass tube. I first was worried that Tyler wouldn’t be able to do it as he had trouble walking and was wearing his braces. It was just amazing to see how well he did. I was so proud of him for so many reasons. You know how many people tend to give up on them and put a mental block up in their heads when faced with much smaller handicaps and negative life events than what Tyler had to deal with, preventing them from living life? Even in his impaired state, Tyler managed to find an exciting and thrilling experience that he could do. He wasn’t waiting for someone else to encourage him nor did he dwell in self-pity or let depression get the better of him. It just comes to show that there are so many fantastic opportunities in this world, one just has to be willing to open the eyes, continue to nurture the passion for life, and be grateful and appreciative for all that lies right in front of you. From all the people that I know, Tyler was able to see and feel these opportunities and the beauty that are abound in the world more than anyone else. Enjoying the little things in life is definitely one of the many things that I have learned from him, and that I will always be grateful for. Being able to experience joy in the most inconspicuous aspects of life can put a smile on your face, brighten up your day, and provide you with the positive energy to make it through a tough day. In a sense, when people ask me how I am doing and how I am coping, I think it's exactly this attitude that gets me through the day. Tyler would have given anything to be with us today, as his love for life was palpable and unending.
After the skydiving we drove down to Long Beach to meet up with Dennis and Yvonne for a boat tour through the Venice canals followed by a dinner at the Crab Pot. I remember as it was yesterday; the sunset was stunning and when we took the pictures of the four of us kicking back on the boat, the light lit up our faces with a golden hue, making our smiles glow. I had brought "funny" glasses to celebrate the occasion in true Venice Beach style. Dennis was literally blinded by his fashionable eye-wear, at times we were a bit worried that he wasn't quite sure where he was steering the boat toward. So for the sake of the safety of the passengers, he didn't wear them too long. Luckily, we got some decent shots of him. Of course, Tyler got the birthday-candle glasses, while Yvonne transformed into a bright sea star, and well, I opted for the laid-back chill out glasses. (In a way, I guess it was a good pick for me. 4 days before his passing, while I was "tornadoing" [Tyler's expression of me hovering] around him, he called me the cutest nickname: Tinkerbell on crack. I love it, own it, and proudly wear it. So if you ever happen to see it as a username, you now know who it is]. It was such a lovely evening, laughing and enjoying each others company, cherishing this precious moment of joy and beauty. What else can you ask for? My heart goes out to you, Dennis and Yvonne. There are no words capabable of soothing the loss of our loved Tyler. Fortunately, we share dear moments like these, that will forever remain vivid in our lives, bring us together, and lift our hearts. I am incredibly grateful for the two of you and for the love and care that you have and that you continue to so graciously show me.
I digress, back to the day: We didn’t have too much time to linger as Tyler had reserved a room in downtown L.A. at the Bonaventure Hotel. I couldn't but comment on the route that he had chosen that day. He really optimized the amount of road we covered in the Porsche that day. And boy can I tell you how much fun it was to drive into the sunset, feeling light and worry-free in his little race care. It was just wonderful to watch him truly enjoy his gadget for the day. At the hotel, I think Tyler got the biggest kick when the valet guy winked at him, saying: “Nice car, son.” He would refer to this moment as feeling a sense of pride that he was getting the respect from the valet guy. He was so cute. Thank you Tyler for an unforgettable day, that will remain etched into my mind.
Yes, these are boob-glasses with lace ;) It's okay, he's an Ob/Gyn. Have you seen the poster in the guest bathroom? This is harmless!
It is incredibly difficult to grasp that all this was only one year ago. There were so many instances where Tyler’s condition was precarious, but somehow, miraculously, he always bounced back- amazing us, as well as the physicians. I truly believed that this would go on for many more years. I believed that this incredibly strong heart of his would continue to beat and carry him forward as it had done so reliably throughout all these taxing times.
Remember when Dennis wrote in the obituary about the rich and full life that Tyler was living? I knew that we had a very active lifestyle and this sentiment is being underscored on a daily basis. Since Tyler’s passing, there hasn’t been a day where there hasn’t been a reminder- a place, an event, a show, a book, an article- that didn’t remind me somehow of a experience that we had shared together. Just the other day I had traveled for business to Croatia. While having dinner at this beautiful restaurant nestled within the little harbor village, we saw sail boats go by, the smell of the ocean breeze, the moisture in the air, the seagulls circling high above in the sky- reminding me of our many sail and boating trips to Catalina and Angel Island. Now that Spring is announcing itself and the first flowers are showing their pretty colors, reaching their petals out to the sun after a long and cold winter, I can’t but help to stop and admire, seeing Tyler’s smile in front of me. He loved smelling flowers… Or the squirrel that frisked by me the other day. It was orange with a big bushy tail, the most adorably plush adorned little ears, and the curious eyes that quickly graced me with attention before disappearing in the crown of the tree. Tyler and I had a thing for squirrels. Somehow, it had become our little invisible scoundrel. No worries, I dont' think we were crazy. Hmmm, maybe just a little- but in a cute way. If I couldn't find my keys, or if the remote control was misplaced, or if one of us happened to make digestive sounds, either of us would look up and say: Arrrrg, The squirrel- that little mischievous thingy! or "The Veverka (squirrel in Czech), again!" And then we would just laugh. It’s amazing how such events can trigger an instant replay of past memories. Tyler, you have given me one of the most precious gifts. Though you are not with us physically, I can feel your presence and see your smile everywhere in the world around me. It is remarkable to have flashbacks on a daily basis, eternalizing our shared memories and our live together.
Tyler, you are missed so dearly, especially today. I love you, and always will.
I'll never forget your bright smile and I can hear you laugh wherever I may be.
[...]"And at night you will look up at the stars. Where I live everything is so small that I cannot show you where my star is to be found. It is better, like that. My star will just be one of the stars, for you. And so you will love to watch all the stars in the heavens... they will all be your friends. And, besides, I am going to make you a present..."
He laughed again.
"Ah, little prince, dear little prince! I love to hear that laughter!"
"That is my present. Just that. It will be as it was when we drank the water..."
"What are you trying to say?"
"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You-- you alone-- will have the stars as no one else has them--"
"What are you trying to say?"
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you-- only you-- will have stars that can laugh!"
And he laughed again.
"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... and your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you..."
And he laughed again.
"It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh..."
And he laughed again. [...]
The Little Prince
