Year End Thoughts

Well, I am back, for the time being at least. I did not really go anywhere, I have just been left to my own thoughts more than I have been out and about and this usually leads to lapses in writing as, often in these situations, I really do not have all that much to share. My time since Portland has been wonderfully enjoyable and my health has been relatively stable and overall I had an incredible Christmas and New Year’s. Taking my cue from a number of television and print outlets, the passing of the year has served as a time to reflect over the year that is gone and to look to the upcoming year with hope and anticipation. What a year. I will have to admit that I cried more tears of joy and sorrow in 2006, but that in comparison with the other 25 years, 2007 was filled with a spectacular number of highs and lows. Frankly, I am stoked to be here. I feel incredibly lucky for the life I lead. My line, when asked how are you doing, of “Well, if they did not tell me I was sick, I would never know it.” Is getting a little old, which is really just another blessing. I am more than willing to deal with the awkwardness of situations that arise where people are surprised I am still around. Do not get me wrong, everyone I know has been incredibly supportive and it is their support that has really carried me through tough times, but if you look at the numbers (which you shouldn’t), I have tripled or quadrupled my readjusted life expectancy at the time of diagnosis. I just hope social security doesn’t find out how much fun I have been having. Oh-yeah, once again, thanks to all of you wonderful taxpayers. You guys rock! I have rejoined your ranks and if anyone ever hears me calling for a tax cut, I want you to slap me upside the head to shut me up. Seriously, I won’t be mad. It is just an interesting (and wonderful) point in my cancer journey, when you get a bit of unexpected stability. Here is hoping that it will continue.

Reflecting back on the year, I had an incredible time with friends and family and my new wife. I think we are more in love than ever. She still surprises me so often with some other incredibly cute little thing here or there. My parents have been stoic throughout the last year and supported us in all of our decisions. My new parents have been wonderful and have really gone out of their way to make me feel like a part of the family. Eva and I would not be doing nearly as well as we are without the never-ending love and support of both sets of parents. Thank you all. I also want to extend my gratitude to our solid friends and co-workers who have found the time to spend with us and make our lives easier. I returned to work part-time in August, and everyone at Raytheon made the transistion back really easy. It has been amazing how flexible they have been. I can only hope they will let Eva and I jaunt off to Switzerland again this year in similar style.

Health-wise, the year has been wonderfully dull. My scan in November was similar to August, which was similar to April, which was similar to January. Not too shabby. Here is to hoping for the similar scans to continue. That scan in January was a little unnerving as the cyst had actually grown about 10% since the last scan of 2006. That was a big blow to Eva and I and it took an even bigger toll because we were really not expecting it (in the previous scan the cyst had shrunk 50%, but that was also post splenectomy when a chamber or two might have been breached). After going through the January scan, Eva and I were much more cautious when getting the scan results and were a little more prepared for what might come. We tried to focus on the idea that I probably felt pretty good the day before the scan, I probably felt good on the day of the scan, and I probably felt good on the day after the scan. That was what was important. I have had good days and bad days after chemo but continue to be very lucky and tolerate it reasonably well. We successfully smuggled 1200ml of Erbitux (roughly $12,000 US) into the states which was a bit exciting and I have now gotten chemotherapy in another country (which makes me wonder if there is some pointless and nonsensical record out there for some guy who has received chemo in the most number of different countries, somebody call the Guinness people, we may have something that would interest them. Perhaps we could expand the segment into weird activities engaged in while getting chemo like Monopoly or most hot dogs eaten while getting chemo, or greatest number of soccer juggles while on the drip). I have switched regimens a number of times over the last year, but I am unsure of exactly how many times because chemo drugs are added and removed sort of at will and usually the new regimen will have a few of the old chemos. I trust in Dr. Isacoff and seem to be doing pretty well so far.

Sadly, over the year, a great number more people were diagnosed with cancer including family and close family friends. I am sorry to be extending this, but welcome to the club. I know it seems unfair, but only those who have faced this disease can really know all the thoughts and emotions that go through someone’s head after diagnosis. Our wonderful care-providers can know 99% of those thoughts and emotions, but there is really no substitute for living it. If you are reading this, consider yourself lucky. You are a survivor. It may have been only a short time, but you are an inspiration to others. Maybe you should consider starting a blog. It is a wonderful way to release some inner demons if you are so inclined. Just know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers and that I am also thinking and praying for your care-givers. They certainly deserve more credit than they ever get. At least we have something to fight against, they have to just sit there and listen to us whine, and bring us water when we are thirsty, and a blanket when we are cold, and cook more pasta when we threw up the first batch and are still hungry and need calories to prevent weight loss.

Well that is about as much reflection as I am good for right now. Again, thank you to all of you who have made it an unforgettable year. I wish each and every one of you a fantastic 2008. Remember, years are measured more in tears than anything else, whether they were tears of joy or tears of sorrow, they were moments lived.

Carpe Vitam,
TN

Below are just a few highlights from December.

Back in the doctor’s office the day after Portland. No rest for the weary. Check out the port. Pretty sweet. This was the first time I had ever received Avastin and it was a little rough. The next few days I had tough mornings. It was as if the 5 or 6 minutes of hot water in the shower were too much and I would have to sit down before I would fall over. Usually after an hour or two or three, I would feel pretty normal and was actually able to work most of those days. Eva said I looked green a couple times. I don’t really make it easy for her during those times. I neither want pity or seclusion. I just want her to act as if nothing is happening. That is understandably tough when I look like I am about to fall out of my chair at the breakfast table. I love you, honey.


On the 15th I went down to Long Beach for the Conrad’s Christmas Breakfast. I got there a bit late (I love sleeping in with Eva), but still caught the tail end. What a surprise, my parents were there. Marty and I had competed for a number of years, but I think I am going to have to hand the title over to him. I now have set my sights on a skinny little Swiss girl who thinks she is just as quick as can be. It was really good to see Marty and his family and a number of others from the LB days.


On Monday, the 16th, I only got Mitomycin C and was in pretty good shape so my parents and I decided to go for a little walk/hike in the dog park part of Griffith park. I huffed going up the hills but managed to get my sorry butt up there. Again, it is just so hard to know that the hill that is currently kicking your butt, you could have owned at one time. It is like the decline that an older person experiences slowly over 25 years have been compressed down into about a year. I know I just have to take it easy and relax and that I am very lucky to still be able to get out and about, but there is still a little bitterness that comes out from time to time. Anyways, it was a really pretty day.


I spent the week working and shopping. I felt very American. Raytheon is wonderful because once I did my hours for the week, I would not have to go back until January 2nd. On Friday the 21st, Eva and I went for a walk that started at the same place my parents and I had hiked earlier in the week. The traffic was a bit tough getting there (even though it is pretty close) so we ended up hiking under a full moon with all the city lights below. It was just pleasant. Check out that sky.


There is downtown in the background. LA can be really pretty when it wants to be.


On Saturday the 22nd, my folks, Eva, and I went to Royce hall to watch the Nutcracker. It was wonderful though we had forgotten how much of the audience was likely under the age of 12. Never-the-less, there were some adorable little stinkers and the performance was really well done (though we do believe that there were more dolls in the performance in Prague). As we were heading back to the car, we heard this boy exclaim, “Man, those tights are so itchy.” Sure enough, it was the boy who played Fritz and it appears that his character was not all that much of a stretch for him.


Monday, December 24th
We went in for chemo and sympathized with all of the poor staff who had to work on Christmas Eve. Eva actually started my IV through my port this time and did a great job. Later in the day we cruised down to San Pedro and I was feeling well enough for a walk down to the tide pools. Somehow I managed to get this cute little critter and include the Hirshberg slogan (or at least the half I like).


Here we all are on the rocks. Just another beautiful day.


We had a wonderful dinner and to incorporate some of Eva’s traditions we actually opened up a few gifts on Christmas Eve. It was really fun. We attended a midnight service at Lakewood Community Church, which was really nice, though it was tough not have Grandma there. I still think of her often and still long for the times we spent together. I know she is still with me, but my world had just been a little sadder without her. Here we are all dolled up for church.


We took another walk on Christmas day. This time out to Jap’s cove. It was a great day.



Great sunset on Christmas.


My post-Christmas time was spent mostly playing with the various gifts I had received - a small helcopter (Go Eva!) and hovercraft (Go Mom and Dad!) though I also did quite a bit of reading and puzzling. On the 28th, I did get out of the house and went down to Long Beach for a round of Golf with Tiana, her Dad, and Steve. Steve look fierce early and had some really pretty shots but the back nine took its toll as his endurance faded. David plays with the consistency of someone who actually knows what they are doing and Tiana, well, she is just such a nice person. We had a nice late lunch after golf and then Tiana and I caught up with Ryan Barger (my best friend from middle school) at a little coffee shop. It was really nice seeing him and it sounds like he is doing well for himself.


On the 31st, Eva and I went to Tiana’s as we have done for the last few years. It was fun though I have to applaud Eva for enduring the same high school stories year after year. She thought she knew everyone, though this year presented a whole new bunch of faces. I think Eva and I have lived a bit beyond our years, which sometimes makes it a bit hard to be around people our own age. We had a great time and really enjoyed seeing everyone, but we just sort of have a little different mindset. We look at each other and are just thankful to be together to share another New Year’s, as opposed to others who are struggling with deciding whether or not to pursue another degree or live in another city or whatever. I am not saying that those are not valid concerns; it is just a little different when you are facing something like cancer. We still had a really nice time at Tiana’s and really appreciate her having us. And props to her parents for their incredible help and work. I am making a push for them to join us at the table next year. For the work they do they should enjoy the dinner as well. They’re hip, they’re with it. If they are not at the table next year, maybe I will join them in the kitchen.


Well thats about it for now. I wish all of you a great year. Some final words… Live as if you will die tomorrow, dream as if you will live forever - James Dean.

Take Care and Live Strong,
TN